It’s hometowns week on The Bachelor! That time in the season where Colton Underwood brings his awkward self into the homes of the families of four women he’s awkwardly dating! What can possibly go wrong? A lot, of course! You wouldn’t be watching if things didn’t go wrong. Before the show, Colton tweeted this, because he is tired of everyone waiting for the fence jump, and also he sucks.
SHUT UP, COLTON, YOU DONKER, WE LITERALLY ONLY CARE ABOUT THE FENCE JUMP.
The episode opened with the the most gratuitous Colton shower scene of the season. It was basically an ad for whatever cologne he sprayed on himself (seems like a missed opportunity to do some men’s grooming #spon).
The first date was in Caeylnn’s hometown of Fredericksburg, VA. Caelynn’s sister was skeptical of Colton’s motives. Caelynn’s mom knew to call the show “this process.” Her stepdad was like, “Do you really have to get married? I think you can just be friends with this guy.” And then she guilt-tripped him about what a great dad he is even though he’s not her biological father. I guess John the stepdad was persuaded enough, and Caelynn told Colton she was fully in love with him. I kinda tuned out because no one was jumping over a fence.
Hannah was next, and since he was in Birmingham, Colton went to an etiquette class to learn how to be a Southern gentleman. The etiquette lady was all “bless your heart” shady. I hated her. I hated this whole sequence. I might be going through something, because this episode made me disproportionately angry.
Colton asked Hannah’s dad for permission to marry his daughter, and he was like, “I never thought about this,” which is good, because that shows he doesn’t think of his daughter as his property. He was like, “Yeah, sure, I guess, if it keeps going well.” Everyone was drinking goblet-sized glasses of pee-colored wine. That etiquette class was really necessary, because that’s truly how the Godwins live, innit.
Tayshia was next, in sunny Corona Del Mar, CA. Tayshia put a blindfold on Colton and referenced the Bird Box challenge, which made me go, “How does she know about that???” Bird Box was released in theaters in November while the season was filming and didn’t reach Netflix until Dec. 21, which means the Bird Box challenge did not exist when Tayshia supposedly said this. So what happened? She went back and recorded the line months later? VERY STRANGE. They went skydiving, but I was hung up on the Bird Box thing. I feel like I didn’t need to watch it too closely, though, because it was just skydiving. I did love that Colton said, “God, please let me survive this fall, I still have to lose my virginity!”
He told Tayshia he was falling in love with her, which is a risky move, because he said that to Hannah, too, and Cassie last week. So he’s going to devastate two of them. And he knew what he was doing because Colton both knows how the game is played and talked to Ben Higgins last week, and he basically ruined his life for a while by telling two women he loved them.
Tayshia’s dad was like, “I am extremely skeptical of you,” and he wouldn’t give his blessing when Colton asked. Colton had just said that he would maybe marry other women instead, so I get it. Colton was disappointed, and wasn’t sure what he would do, because he needs that blessing. He can’t get married if Daddy doesn’t approve, because even though he’s not marrying her father, he kinda is, I guess?
Tayshia’s brother is planning to join the FBI and threatened to hunt Colton down, which is gross to me. I hate the FBI. Power-mad creeps. Tayshia’s dad talked to her and was like, “What is this Colton guy’s deal?” Tayshia was like, “He’s very genuine.” She said she’d marry Colton if he asked, and her dad said, “You don’t microwave relationships,” which I thought was a good line to describe a relationship moving too fast. But in the end, all he can go off is what Tayshia says and how she seems, and she seemed happy, so he gave the blessing. My man caved!
Then it was off to a different town in Orange County for Colton’s date with Cassie. They went surfing. Man, I can’t believe Colton told three girls he was falling for them. What a cynical move. Cassie copped to not being all the way there with Colton yet but was looking forward to him meeting her family so she could get some clarity.
Cassie’s dad was not into Colton from the jump. He didn’t like that he was touching her. Does he do that with the other girls, too? Cassie admitted to her sister that she’s falling in love with him. Cassie and her sister look just like their mom. Kinda uncanny. Exact same eye color. Her dad, too. Cassie and her dad got heated. He was like, “You’re 23. You have your whole life ahead of you.” She got pouty and said, “I don’t want you to be mad at me.” It was very adolescent. Cassie’s not ready. Colton asked dad for his blessing, and dad said no. “That would be a premature blessing,” he said. Cassie wouldn’t say she’s falling in love with him, and he didn’t have the blessing. He left that date troubled. Talk about a Bird Box challenge!
We got a rare Chris Harrison sighting as the girls arrived for the rose ceremony. Colton gave roses to Hannah, Tayshia and Cassie. Caeylnn told him she felt stupid for thinking she saw a future with him. He just held her.
Well, at least we’re getting the fence jump next week.
Oh, and Hannah is canceled for that awful rapping over the credits. Her whole mayo-ass family is canceled. Hannah rapping is what you see when you get Bird Box‘d.
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC. It’s available to stream on Hulu.